The Lunacy of Lupin
by uraniumbombz
Summary: Professor Lupin cycles through styles attempting to find his own, resulting in several beyond strange episodes. I know this is not a complete story, but I will probably never finish it. Read if you will.
1. Apple Butter

The Lunacy of Lupin  
  
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, all this stuff does not belong to me. Everything that is in any way related to Harry Potter or the Harry Potter series belongs to J.K. Rowling.  
  
A/N: Partly due to my wish that Remus Lupin would go back and teach at Hogwarts (even though it's not going to happen) and partly just because I felt like it, Harry, Ron, and Hermione are all seventeen. Call it strange, whatever, that's just the way it is, ok? The age really has nothing to do with the rest of the story anyway.  
  
Chapter One: Apple Butter  
  
"Can't wait until Defense Against the Dark Arts! Professor Lupin said it would be really exciting! What about you, Harry? Ron?" Hermione said. Ron shrugged.   
  
"Defense Against the Dark Arts is always interesting, Hermione. Nothing new." He had been being disagreeable. Just last week he had had a Howler from Mrs.Weasley because she found a stack of dirty magazines under his bed at home. It was an embarrassing scene not only for Ron, but for Harry and Hermione too; they had to witness Ron fuming about how he needed to 'express he emotions.'  
  
Fifteen minutes later, they emerged from the Potions dungeon, all looking nervous about the sample they had turned in to Professor Snape. Harry could've sworn he'd left an uncrushed bat wing in his. When they arrived at the door to Professor Lupin's classroom, Ron flung it open in another bad temper, only to find himself in an aromatic experience.  
  
Candles had been set everywhere, the entire room smelled of apple butter, and all the desks had been moved to the walls. In their place were little blue cushions that sat on the floor, each one surrounded by lit candles. The curtains on the windows were pulled shut; only the candles gave light to the room. And there, sitting on his desk, on top of papers and books, dressed in a turban and loincloth, was Professor Lupin. (A/N: This fic is G-rated, so just to let you know, the loincloth was not revealing, ok?)  
  
"Um….Professor?" Hermione said tentatively. He was sitting in the yoga 'lotus' position, eyes closed. Suddenly they snapped open.  
  
"Yes, Hermione?" he replied delicately.   
  
"What--what have you done?" she asked, rather unflatteringly.  
  
"I have embarked on a soul-searching journey. I am seeking my inner self, the me that yearns to break free from its restraints and--"  
  
"Ok, we get it, Professor," said Ron crossly. Harry looked at Hermione, and then situated himself on one of the cushions. Across the room, Parvati and Lavender were giggling madly.  
  
"C'mon," Harry said, grinning. "Just watch the candles, be sure not to--"  
  
No sooner had he said this than Neville knocked one over. Quickly, before the wax got all over the floor, Neville picked it back up and set it down carefully.  
  
"Sorry," he said.  
  
"Shhh!" Professor Lupin said, sliding off his desk and moving gracefully over to the chalkboard. "Today," he continued peacefully, "we shall learn about erumpents."  
  
Hermione looked puzzled. Lupin was being so peaceful, and yet they were learning about erumpents, which were basically rhinoceroses with magical qualities that produced catastrophic damage when provoked….  
  
Professor Lupin led them through class making delicate comments and fluid movements. He was definitely not afraid of adjectives today, seeing as how he made frequent use of them. At the end of class, he told them that their homework was to relax their minds and think about what severe damage an erumpent could do if it was to run over their homes. He said all this in a very misty, faraway manner.  
  
" Put the results of t your thoughts into an essay of any length and hand it in on Monday. By the way," he added to Harry as the rest of the class left, "to clear your mind, I highly recommend apple butter candles." He nodded to the many of them spread throughout the room.  
  
" Thanks, Professor," Harry said, fighting down a laugh.  
  
As soon as the class had gone, Professor Lupin rearranged his turban, made sure his loincloth covered him, and again resumed his position on the desk, thinking to himself that class went well and that he must try something new tomorrow….  
  
Okay, so what do you think? Kinda short, I know, but I'll try to make it longer next time. If you have any suggestions as to what his next 'theme' should be (or any other comment for that matter), send it in a review. What will Lupin try next??? 


	2. Surf's Up!

The Lunacy of Lupin  
  
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, all this stuff does not belong to me. Everything that is in any way related to Harry Potter or the Harry Potter series belongs to J.K. Rowling.  
  
A/N: Partly due to my wish that Remus Lupin would go back and teach at Hogwarts (even though it's not going to happen) and partly just because I felt like it, Harry, Ron, and Hermione are all seventeen. Call it strange, whatever, that's just the way it is, ok? The age really has nothing to do with the rest of the story anyway. Thanks to everyone who reviewed!!!  
  
Chapter Two: Surf's Up!  
  
"Bet you can't wait for today's Defense lesson, can you, Hermione?" Ron said teasingly. He was feeling loads better; Mrs. Weasley had sent him another owl saying she found out that the magazines were Fred's and George's, although Ron had told Harry it wasn't true. Most of them were his, he had said-- not that Harry had actually asked.  
"Okay, so yesterday's lesson was a bit odd…." Hermione said.  
"Though very relaxing," Harry countered, grinning. Hermione threw him a dirty look.  
"Really, though," she continued, "Today's bound to be better, right? I mean, Professor Lupin'll come to his senses, I'm sure. But then again…." Images of the DADA professor in his loincloth came back to her and she shuddered. "Did either of you do your essay?" she asked, saving herself from those wretched pictures. Harry gaped at her like she was crazy.  
"They're due Monday, Hermione, I think we'll be--" Ron began. But no one found out exactly what Harry and Ron would be, for their least favorite teacher chose that exact moment to step up.  
"Silence in the back of the room!" Snape snarled at them. "You should not be talking when I am trying to give a decent lesson." Harry, Ron, and Hermione all jumped, but Snape went on. "Detention, all three of you! Let's see…. The only teacher free tonight is…. Lupin." Snape lingered on the name, smirked, and Harry knew he had heard about Professor Lupin's 'soul-searching journey'. They received their detentions quietly and remained so for the rest of the time they spent in the dungeon. They were only too glad to leave when at last, class had ended, but this feeling again changed when they opened Remus Lupin's classroom door.  
There were lights hung from the ceiling like those of a tiki bar, the desks were moved back again and instead, lawn chairs were spread out in the room. Several large, bright-colored parrots were flying around. It was like Antigua had splashed all over their classroom. The floor had been covered ankle-deep in sand. They could hear seashore noises and Harry noticed a record labeled "Sounds of the Beach" playing. But by far the most conspicuous thing was the big palm tree that was taking the place of Lupin's desk. Sitting among the fluffy branches at the top, was their teacher.  
He himself was brightly dressed. Although he had chosen to go shirtless again, he had donned lurid orange floral-print swimming trunks. His hair was combed back and rumpled up and he went barefoot. At seeing the members of his class arriving, he leapt lightly out of his tree, where he had been grading papers before and slipped on a pair of black flip-flops.  
"All right, so what's up, dudes?" Professor Lupin said in an uncharacteristic surf-bum voice. Lavender Brown broke into a fit of giggles, but Lupin disregarded this.  
"Kay, dudes, today we're gonna finish up the Dark Creatures unit with manticores, which are these righteously awesome things…." Lupin carried on in this manner for a while, and then Hermione raised her hand.  
"Yeah, dude?" her professor said, giving her the "hang loose" sign. "Er…Professor Snape we had a detention with you later, um…. Dude," she said. Harry had encouraged her to tack on that last word. Lupin looked utterly baffled then slowly began shaking his head up and down.  
"Right!" he finally shouted exuberantly. "I totally remember that, dude! Kay, just show up here at, like, seven-thirty and we'll get started, man." But Harry, Ron, and Hermione had frozen. They had never, ever heard Professor Lupin say "like" in a teenager-y way before. Lavender even stopped giggling for loss of voice. Of course, Lupin took no notice of this. He went on "dude"-ing in that foreign surf-bum voice until the end of class. "By the way, dudes," he added as the students gathered their things, "that essay about erumpents--those are awesome, but anyway-- is gonna be due tomorrow now, kay?" The students murmured assent. At the door, Harry turned around, gave the "hang loose" signal again, and Lupin returned it. As he walked away, Harry could've sworn he heard Lupin say, "Gotta try something different, man, these shoes are all-out weird…." Harry fought down his laughter and made his way to Gryffindor Tower. It was going to be one strange detention….  
  
Slightly longer than chapter one. If you liked it or have a suggestion for other chapters, send a review. I'll be happy to have some feedback! Next chapter will probably be very short; it's about the detention that night. Bless your penguins and flamingos, uraniumbombz. 


	3. The Detention

The Lunacy of Lupin  
  
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, all this stuff does not belong to me. Everything that is in any way related to Harry Potter or the Harry Potter series belongs to J.K. Rowling.  
  
A/N: Partly due to my wish that Remus Lupin would go back and teach at Hogwarts (even though it's not going to happen) and partly just because I felt like it, Harry, Ron, and Hermione are all seventeen. Call it strange, whatever, that's just the way it is, ok? The age really has nothing to do with the rest of the story anyway. Thanks to everyone who reviewed!  
Dark and Prone to Violence---thanks for the idea, I had actually thought about doing this before. I'm sorry if I completely screw this up, I wasn't really sure how to do it….  
  
Chapter Three: The Detention  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat in three particularly overstuffed armchairs by the fire in the in the Gryffindor Common Room. Harry and Ron were working on a difficult essay for Professor Flitwick; Hermione, however, had already finished this essay and had her nose buried deep in a book called So You Think You're Ready to Take N.E.W.T's? All they could see of her head was a few bushy strands on top. Every few minutes she would check the time, then start reading again. No one spoke; everyone was concentrating.  
Finally, at a quarter past seven, Hermione broke the silence and the three of them set off for the DADA classroom.  
"Wonder what he's gonna do this time?" Ron said eagerly. Harry grinned, but Hermione frowned slightly, looking disdainful. Thankfully, she didn't comment.  
"Snape," she finally said grumpily. "It was awful of him to give us detention. We were talking quietly, at least." "But we were talking," Harry said fairly, looking at her as they walked. She shrugged indifferently, but still seemed haughty all the way to Professor Lupin's classroom.  
When at last they arrived at the door, Ron smiled mischievously, opened it, and immediately took a step back onto Harry's feet. Harry punched him in the back and he gulped but went forward all the same. In a few seconds, both Harry and Hermione got a clear view of Lupin's room--and Lupin himself--and stood frozen for a moment out of shock.  
Everything in the room had turned either black or red, including the desks (which were back in place) and their chairs. There were strings hanging from the ceiling with CD's strung on them. A huge stereo was resting on Professor Lupin's desk.  
But Lupin was definitely most shocking. He had completely abandoned robes; he was wearing a large black sleeveless T-shirt, a pair of baggy black jeans, and several leather wristbands, some with lethal-looking spikes on them. He had a leather band around his throat with yet more spikes and--surprising though it was--a black tattoo on his upper left arm: a pair of wings that said "Hell's Angel" underneath. His hair was a completely different matter. It had been gelled into many points on top of his head with what looked like the same stuff Draco Malfoy wore. Underneath one point the trio could see a line of silver piercing on his ear and one hanging off his eyebrow.  
He looked up when they came in, all walking very slowly and goggling at him.  
"Sit down," he said tersely. His voice was dull. He handed them each a great, huge stack of papers and a grading key, but didn't say anything. They got the gist and began grading. Lupin nodded and flipped on the gigantic stereo. Loud, blaring rock came out the speakers, the harsh tones and screaming voices making Harry, Ron, and Hermione lose all concentration. After about fifteen minutes, it started to tune out and some forms of thinking were made possible again. Lupin was playing an air-guitar, his many-spiked head bobbing up and down. When half an hour had passed, Lupin told them (however shortly) that they were free to go. Harry, Ron, and Hermione gathered their tings and left together, ears still somewhat throbbing from the sound of the music.  
"Well," Hermione said when they had reached Gryffindor Tower. That was all it seemed she could say. Harry and Ron, speechless as well, just told her goodnight and went up to their dormitory to finish off the rest of their homework.  
"Believe it or not," Ron said as they climbed the spiral staircase, "that one was actually…. Cool."  
  
Okay, so there you go. Tell me what you thought or your opinion in what Lupin's next trial should be in a review, all right? I know, not much dialogue. School's started here, so my updates won't be as frequent, but I'll probably be able to post on weekends, if all works out. But that's okay, the story must go on!! Sending my best, uraniumbombz. 


	4. GreekLetter Societies

The Lunacy of Lupin  
  
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, all this stuff does not belong to me. Everything that is in any way related to Harry Potter or the Harry Potter series belongs to J.K. Rowling.  
  
A/N: Okay, I'm finally back! I had a little gap trying to catch up my homework. Anyways, this chapter kind of changes the genre of the story--just a little bit, though. I just wanted to forewarn you. Umm, also, really sorry if Beta Kappa Sigma really exists, it was just some letters I put together, ok?  
  
Dark and prone to violence-- thanks for reviewing about that, I thought I had it all wrong. J  
  
Chapter Four: Greek-Letter Societies  
  
"Well, you know," Hermione said, dropping a squishy newt's eye into her sputtering potion, "if you had done your homework_ beforehand_, you wouldn't have been so tired after that detention." She was surveying Ron and Harry with a scrutinizing look, quite like a general inspecting soldiers. Ron yawned languidly, stretching his arms out so far back that he almost hit Lavender Brown in the nose. She looked rather affronted.  
"Ah, pipe down, Hermione," he said indifferently.  
"Yeah," Harry said, smiling, "Who knows? Maybe Lupin'll go through a kindergarten phase and we'll nap all class long." Hermione threw him a you're-not-helping look. He smiled again.  
Snape turned suddenly around up at the front of the classroom. He had been modifying their homework assignment on the board, but now he began stalking up and down through the rows of desks. He stopped right beside Ron.  
"Weasley," he breathed, eyes glinting maliciously, "Let's test _your_ potion…." Ron gulped. "Sir?" he said.  
"I said that I was going to test your potion. Give me your sample." Ron reached down to get a flask to fill. Snape gave a soft Bronx cheer.  
"No sample, Weasley?" he said, mock-surprised. "Shame, shame. I think….ten points from Gryffindor will teach you to pay closer attention? Go on, now, fill the flask, boy." Snape waited quietly, then snatched up the flask before Ron could even put the cork in it. Ron was watching Snape prowl back to his desk with a horrified expression . Neville, by the look on his face seemed to feel that the same experience had just happened to him. Snape reached the front of the classroom and now whirled around to face the class, his long black robes billowing around his ankles….  
Fifteen minutes later, Ron stepped out of the dungeon. Since Snape's potion-testing stunt, he had grown six new appendages, all of them shaped along the lines of a giant head of lettuce. Surprisingly enough, his potion hadn't been done right.  
"So, uh…. I wonder what Lupin's up to today?" Harry said awkwardly, staring at a particularly large lettuce head drooping off the end of Ron's nose. Ron gave him a glare that said, "Can't you see I've just suffered a trauma?" Needless to say, Harry didn't make another stab at conversation.  
When they arrived at Lupin's door, it appeared that he had been having fun with the woodburning kit Harry had given him for Christmas. What looked like the Greek letters beta, kappa, and sigma were emblazoned upon the door and filled in with light blue. Harry and Hermione could hardly see Ron's smile under his new attachment, but it was nevertheless there. He pushed the door open (despite difficulties with an odd lump on his hand) and the next thing he and Harry saw was a flash of the same light blue before they were flattened clean to the floor.  
Lupin was sitting on his knees on top of Ron, working a blue hooded sweatshirt (one of which he was wearing himself) over his head. As soon as he could get it on, he pounced on Harry, who had just gotten up. An identical sweatshirt was forced onto him and when he looked down, he saw, written in black on the sweatshirt, Beta Gamma Kappa. Lupin had a manic grin on his face and Harry distinctly identified the smell of cold pizza. He stood up, catching on.  
The room had been almost completely redone in light blue and everyone was looking quite discomforted in the same sweatshirts. It appeared they had all been ambushed at the door as well. About eleven open boxes of pizza were sitting around the room in various places. Harry noticed a very disapproving Hermione standing in one corner of the room, arms crossed, foot tapping. He shrugged good-naturedly.  
No learning was achieved that day. None whatsoever. Instead, the whole class sat around eating pizza and swapping conversations about burping contests and how many sour cream and onion potato chips they could fit in their mouths at one time. Hermione just flitted and hovered around trying to prod them subtly (or not so subtly) into working, a very futile attempt.  
Lupin told them all to go about five minutes before the bell rang, which (of course) Hermione strongly disagreed with. She didn't refuse to go though.  
Walking through the halls without Ron (they had left him ages ago; his lettuce-head attachments had swollen so badly that he could just barely see around them.) Hermione pulled Harry aside from their still-chatting class.  
"What do you think's wrong with Professor Lupin?" she whispered, though no one was around now that the class had gone. "I dunno….Maybe he just needed a new style?" he said. She gave him a look. "Seriously, Hermione. Why do you think something's wrong with him?" Hermione looked around quickly, as if to double-check.  
"I was reading up on some Charms work in the library yesterday and I found this spell. It's supposed to give you control over certain aspects of another person's life, for instance their 'style'. And I wondered…" Just that instant, Draco Malfoy passed by conversing in low tones with a clever-looking Slytherin boy. Hermione caught up her trailed-off sentence. She focused her eyes on Harry, a determined spark in them.  
"I wondered if someone's been using it on him." She nodded her head in the two Slytherins' direction. Harry followed her train of thought.  
"Tonight, we'll find out," he said. "Don't worry about how we'll do it," he added, seeing Hermione's mouth open, "I'll tell you then." As they spoke, Ron came bumping up the hallway.  
  
Ok, so quite a bit longer this time! Interested? I hope so! I've been dying for reviews, so please tell me how you liked it and I'll try to update quickly! Next chapter will be their expedition to investigate, all right? My best to your turtles and elephants, uraniumbombz. 


	5. The Expedition:Part One

The Lunacy of Lupin

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, all this stuff does not belong to me. Everything that is in any way related to Harry Potter or the Harry Potter series belongs to J.K. Rowling.

A/N: Ok, so this is the first part of their little expedition to find out about Lupin. I promise this is NOT the end of Lupin's series of trials. I just had to kinda do something new, that's all. J. BTW, despite the questionable beginning, this is not going to turn into some crazed Harry/Hermione fic. :P

Chapter Five: The Expedition

The night was quiet. There was very little wind ruffling the trees in the Forbidden Forest; Neville wasn't even snoring tonight. All was still until-  
"Hey--Hermione, wake up!" someone hissed in Hermione's ear. Her eyes flashed open. It had been a low-pitched voice, a guy speaking. And yet she noticed something familiar….  
She rolled over to meet a pale face, green eyes sparkling even in the darkness, kneeling beside her bed.  
"Harry!" she whispered. "What are you doing?!" "Waking you up, of course," he replied.  
"WHY??" she demanded as quietly as possible.  
"To go find out about Lupin, why else?" Harry said impatiently. "Now come on…" He grabbed her hand as if to just pull her out of the bed, but Hermione yanked it back.  
"But Harry--I'm not dressed!" Harry looked at her, eyes glittering with mischief. "Why not?" "Wha--oh, nothing like that, shame on you! I meant that I was in my pajamas!" "Well what's wrong with that?" he said. Hermione looked at him with a what-isn't-wrong-with-that look on her face, but simply muttered, "Guys…"and got out of bed. Harry goggled at her black-with-pink-hearts pajamas before muttering, "Girls…" and standing up. He was fully dressed in blue jeans, a striped shirt, and a large black jacket.  
"C'mon," he said quietly. He had a flash light in his hand. Hermione followed him, but grabbed his arm before he got to the door.  
"Wait a minute," she said, her voice still a bit groggy from sleeping, "how did you get up here?" Harry turned to look at her, grinning devilishly, but didn't say anything. She smiled.  
He opened the door and stepped aside, bowing her through. "Ladies first," he whispered. She began descending the stairs, but Harry stepped on before she could get halfway down and consequently, it turned into the giant ramp. Her feet slipped out from under her and she slid the rest of the way, landing softly and delicately at the bottom. She was just about to stand up when Harry came slamming into her from the back, knocking her forward an inch or two. He looked around, shrugged, and gave her a close-to-rib-crushing bear hug from behind. "Fancy meeting you here," he said, letting go and standing up. He held his hand out for her to help her up.  
"Harry, I've just realized something," she said as they crossed the common room to a squashy armchair.  
"Me too; look before you leap," he said, reaching the armchair and turning to face her.  
"No, seriously. I don't have any shoes on." Harry looked down at his own feet. "No, Harry, I am not wearing your shoes. You're a size thirteen, for goodness' sake. I'll just go get a pair," she finished.  
"The staircase is a ramp. Would you mind walking barefoot?" Hermione sighed heavily.  
"I suppose not," she said. Harry turned back to the chair and held up the Invisibility Cloak. "Just an added precaution," he said.  
"All right, we're ready to go. C'mon," he said, leading her through the portrait hole. The two of them walked down seven floors to reach the front doors of the school. Harry pushed one door open slightly, then shut it so fast Hermione could've sworn he'd seen a giant man-eating monster right outside. Her guess was close enough. Harry grabbed her wrist and sprinted over to a broom cupboard nearby. The door was left open enough to see Lucius Malfoy walk through the one Harry had just shut. He strode purposefully across the Entrance Hall, glanced carefully around, and started walking down a narrow staircase: the one leading to the dungeons…and the Slytherin Common Room….  
Harry listened to the footsteps, looked over at Hermione, who had been clutching his arm breathlessly, and pushed open the door. He followed Lucius Malfoy's echoing steps down the staircase and stopped just behind a curve in the hallway. Hermione came up right beside him, gripping his wrist. The pair of them heard Lucius address someone they couldn't see and then a new, more familiar voice spoke.  
"I was beginning to wonder when you would arrive, Father. However, on to business…" came the response of their least favorite Slytherin, the son of the man whom they had followed here, "Yes, Draco. Business," Lucius Malfoy said. Harry and Hermione could hear the frown that they could not see, imagine the words Mr. Malfoy was refraining from saying to his son. "What is this 'urgent news' you told me of in your last letter?" "I moved the book. It's under the trapdoor in the drawing room floor. I hope you can find it," he finished, and Harry and Hermione recognized the sarcastic, condescending tone so commonly used in Draco's voice.  
"I should be fine," Lucius said, impatiently, coldly, bitingly. " Was that it? That's what was so urgent?" "Er--yes, Father," Draco said, a little uneasily, but still arrogantly defiant at his father's mockery.  
"Very well. I have wasted my time here tonight," Lucius snapped shortly. Harry, who had been concentrating on the Malfoys' conversation, suddenly felt a hard tug on the wrist Hermione had grasped earlier. He bent down a little to hear what she was whispering in his ear.  
"Harry! Lucius Malfoy is about to walk right down this passage and see us here!" she said. Harry thought quickly and came to the conclusion that would have been obvious had it not been an urgent situation. He threw the cloak over them then lowered himself so that it touched the floor. As was inevitable, Lucius came strolling right down the corridor, past them. Hermione let out a very stifled gasp, but Lucius apparently did not notice.  
As soon as Harry was sure he had heard both Malfoys leave the area, he took off the cloak and went with Hermione back to the front doors muttering, "Trapdoor…drawing room floor…." Hermione froze as Harry again opened one door and checked outside. "Harry…you're not planning on going…to the Malfoys' manor…are you?" "Yup, I am," he said cheerfully. "C'mon!" Hermione sighed , but nevertheless walked out onto the cold hard ground and into the chilly night air, Harry right behind her. She shivered slightly in the now-existant breeze.  
Harry eyed her spaghetti-strap pajama top in an odd way and took off his overlarge black jacket. He put it around her arms and said quietly, "You're gonna need this more than me." She whispered thanks as the warmth of the jacket surrounded her; having been too big for Harry, who was considerably larger than Hermione, it hung slightly above her knees. Harry smiled and left off down the path that led to Hogsmeade.  
They arrived in the small wizarding town a short time later. Finally, Harry turned to face her again.  
"Okay, listen. I'm going to let you make the decision. Would you rather we Apparate or authorize an illegal Portkey?" Hermione gave him an exasperated look.  
"Harry! I can't believe you would make an illegal Portkey! For goodness' sake, let's just Apparrate!" "Just asking…Okay, come on …." Harry put his arm around her shoulder and with a crack!, the two of them were gone. 


	6. The Expedition:Part Two

**The Lunacy of Lupin**

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, all this stuff does not belong to me. Everything that is in any way related to Harry Potter or the Harry Potter series belongs to J.K. Rowling.

A/N: I'm back, baby! Yes, it's been a while--a loooong while--but I am back to finish off The Lunacy of Lupin shortly. I'm not counting on any reviews...before I took my looooong break I only had three. But I decided it must be finished. So here I am, once again sitting in front of my computer typing, prepared to upload this document and two others as soon as I have completed them. I really don't care about the reviews...but maybe someday some unwitting peruser of will stumble across this story and will be able to soak up its stupidity entirely, rather than just five chapters of it. So enough chatting--here you go.

Chapter Six: The Expedition/ PartTwo

It appeared they were standing in inside something like a gazebo on the Malfoys' front grounds. There was a high wrought-iron gate far to their right, to which a long, gravelly path led. A light breeze played about them, riffling the leaves of the tall beeches nearby. Hermione glanced over at Harry to see his reaction; his face remained unchanged.

"C'mon, Hermione, we'd better be quick if we want any sleep later tonight," he said resolutely. His eyes were determined and face was set. He seemed to be on a mission. She gripped his wrist again and followed him up the long path towards the Malfoy manor, Harry mumbling, "Trap door, drawing room. Trap door, drawing room..."

They made their way up the wide front steps and up to the large carved oak doors. Stone snakes rose from short pillars on either side of the stairs and a silver knocker was shaped like a snake on the door. Hermione squeezed Harry's wrist tightly as he pulled open the giant panel of solid, polished wood.

The two of them slipped through and Hermione closed the door behind them. Two huge sweeping staircases would take them to the upper floors should the need arise. A large set of doors was under the left-hand staircase and another set of stone steps led downstairs from under the right-hand. Right before them were two enormous double-doors with silver handles. Harry supposed this would be the equivalent of Hogwarts's Great Hall.

"Where d'you reckon we should go?" Harry whispered to Hermione. Although the only thing surrounding them was the dead of the night and all resident Malfoys were likely asleep, it seemed prudent to hush their voices. The place had a prestigious air that stole the volume from their voices and fed it to the roaring silence between them.

"Probably upstairs, that's where the drawing room in Grimmauld Place was...," Hermione supplied. Harry winced at the sound of his godfather's last place of residence.

"Yeah, you're probably right," he said.par tab He took her up one long staircase to the second floor. Green and silver carpet embroidered with serpents were laid out across the floor. "Ugh, this place reeks of Slytherin...," Harry said. Hermione stifled a laugh.

"Lumos," he said, igniting the tip of hs wand to guide them towards the rooms. Hermione looked at the doors in front of them and chose one concealed by a family tapestry similar to the Blacks'. The places of several burned-out names were visible in the wand-light.

"All right," Harry said. He crept quietly over to the door and pushed it open, then stood back to let her peer into the dark room. "Looks like a drawing room to me, what about you?" Hermione nodded and they sneaked in, shutting the door behind them.

"Hold this, please," Harry said, handing Hermione his wand. "Thanks. Now...trap door. Well, that's really not a trap door. Kind of obvious, really."

He walked over to a large, heavy silver ring in the floor and pulled it. Sure enough, a chunk of the floor lifted up to reveal a dirty, dust-infested hole.

"Not even a half-crocked weasel would fall for that..."Harry muttered. "I don't see any book...Hermione, do you?" There was nothing in the hole...Hermione shook her head. Suddenly a sharp voice came from outside the room.

"Who's there?" it said. They were thankful they had shut the door, but it had not been locked. A couple of seconds would render them caught, having broken school rules, and at the mercy of a not-so-nice sounding person. The doorknob was turning. Hermione gasped, panicking, and grasped firmly onto Harry.

"Apparate on three," he hissed in her ear. "One, two, three!" A loud cracking sound echoed through the room and they were gone, leaving a disgruntled Mr. Lucius Malfoy staring at the spot where he was sure he had just seen two school-age wizards he knew very well. Things would soon be turning sticky for them, indeed, he thought maliciously.

Miles away, Harry and Hermione stood in Hogsmeade, eyes wide at their narrow escape. But more present than their terror was a sense of disappointment at their fruitless escapade

So what will happen next? Hmm. Next chapter is back to Lupin's themes, ok? If I don't change my mind, and I'm pretty sure I won't, the story will take a little turn and will probably come to an end soon. Anyways, sending my love to your barbarian camels, uraniumbombz.


	7. Peace, Love, and Lupin?

**The Lunacy of Lupin**

Dark and prone to violence---here's your Leo chapter! Hope you enjoy it!

Chapter Seven: Peace, Love, and Lupin?

The clock in the Gryffindor Common Room tolled another hour, two soft chimes, as Hermione came through the portrait hole, followed closely by Harry. Everything was as still as they had left it, not a sound disturbed the sleepy silence that coated the tower room.

"Well, that was a waste of time," Hermione said frustratedly. "If I had known I would've been devoting an hour traipsing all over the country and having the pants scared off me by Lucius Malfoy... And at that, an hour that I would've otherwise spent sleeping..." she trailed off.

"It's all right. I mean, at least we know it's not Malfoy. Maybe Lupin's not even being controlled. And plus, it was exciting, wasn't it?" Harry said.

Hermione sighed. "Yeah, I suppose. I just wish that hadn't been so pointless." Harry folded up the Invisibilty Cloak.

"And now we have a story to tell Ron...," he said. "Maybe he can help. Maybe he knows something. You never can tell if Ron knows something..." Hermione laughed. Harry continued, "I guess I'll see you about...five, six hours from now?" Hermione grinned slightly and disappeared up the stairs to her dormitory.

It felt like he had just eased into sleep when Seamus threw a pillow at Harry to wake him up five hours later. He sat groggily up and looked down at himself; he had fallen asleep in the clothes he had been wearing the night before. Shrugging, he decided it didn't look all that bad, ran a comb through his inflexibly messy hair, and headed down to breakfast without changing clothes at all.

When he arrived in the Great Hall, he saw Ron and Hermione were already there. Ron's, er, attachments had gone down, but were still undeniably present. They now resembled an extremely bad case of acne, except that they were shaped somewhat like cucumbers. Ron, however, smiled as though nothing was horribly mutating his face and Hermione gave Harry a meet-me-in-a-minute glance.

As they left for their first class a short while later, Hermione pulled Harry aside and whispered,"Okay, I told Ron over breakfast this morning. About last night?" she said in response to Harry's confused look. Harry gave her a mischeivous grin.

"Oh...That sounds dirty, Hermione...Anyway, what did he say?

"Well, at first he told me that he didn't catch the last bit of what I told him because he was too busy eating, and of course in between bites he was staring at this Ravenclaw girl like she was his last chance of living...," Hermione looked disgusted for a minute then carried on. "But after I finally got the entire story through to him, all he said was 'Hmm.' That's it, just 'Hmm.' What does he mean, 'Hmm'?"

"Hermione calm down, you sound scandalized. How should I know what he means? He probably didn't mean anything! He probably had absolutely nothing to say, so he just said 'Hmm'!" (A/N: Is this sounding like Seinfeld yet? Let's move on...)

All through Potions Hermione muttered under her breath and cast glances at Ron that were suggestive of throttling or extreme pain. Snape was looking extremely sour about something and Harry thought he was probably in one of his detention-for-nothing moods, so he tried his hardest to keep Hermione's temper down. It did seem, though, that Snape cheered up a little after catching sight of Ron's cucumber-protrusions.

Luckily, the three made it out of the class unscathed, no detentions, no additional bady parts accounted for. When they arrived at Lupin's door, an odd kind of sweet, smoky smell met their noses. Hermione liiked cautious but pulled open the door...

The room seemed hazy, out of focus. It was filled with an undeniable, over-powering gray smoke, which seemed to be giving off the sweetish odor. It was hard to see; Harry almost tripped over a desk before he realized it was there. Sitting at his own desk, a game of checkers in front of him, was Lupin. He himself had gray smudges on his face and a tie-dye bandana tied around his head. The rest of his clothing was mostly denim; he had on a denim sleeveless jacket with a faded black sleeveless shirt underneath and baggy, dirty blue jeans. The "Hell's Angel" tatoo was still there, but fading away on his arm. A pocket chain was on his jeans and he was grinning in a dim, confused sort of way. He appeared to have no opponent in his game.

"Ha!" he yelled jubilantly after a second or two. "Shows you!" He moved one of the red checkers a space forward. Swiftly, he reached right across the board and double-jumped two red chekers with a black one. "Awww, man...,"he said.

"Er, Professor Lupin?" Hermione said quietly. Her eyes were watering from the smoke. She coughed a little.

"What?" Luipn said dazedly. "Oh, you're that smart one, man! Wait...where'd you come from?"

"Er...the bell rang...Didn't you hear it, Professor?"

"Yeah...no...hear what?" Lupin said. Hermione sighed, then started choking because of it. Harry patted her delicately on the back.

All of the students repeatedly coughedand rubbed their irritated eyes that day. Lupin was so out of focus that no one even tried to hold a converstion with him. Twice, Lupin burst out loudly to Parvati Patil, "The birds are coming after you! BIrds, man, birds!" Parvati asked him what he meant but he just looked at her dumbly.

Everyone was taken aback by outbreak of squawks about halfway through the class.

"SQUAWK!" he yelled. He wasn't flapping his arms or anything, he was just sitting at his desk, which made it all the more strange. "SQUAWK!" he shouted, incessantly for one full minute. Then he stopped, looked around matter-of-factly, and stood up. He made his way over to the chalkboard and said, "Okay, man...mans...oh yeah, men! Okay, men, today...we're, er, gonna learn 'bout...er...graphorns. Yeah." Hermione shook her head as if no one could be as stupid as her professor was being now.

"Sir, we learned about graphorns last Wednesday. And besides, you said yourself we were done with dark creatures." Lupin nodded approvingly.

"That's right, Smart One. Graphorns _are_ from Europe," he said, still in a daze. "They kinda look like giraffes, that's right," he said to Dean Thomas, who hadn't said anything. (A/N: Those of you who have read Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them know none of this information is true...)

Lupin stopped in his "lesson" and stared suspiciouly at Neville for thirty seconds before shouting out quite suddenly, "YOU HAVE MY GRANDMOTHER'S NOSE!"

The class went totally silent. Hermione sighed deeply again. Neville was trembling, startled by Professor Lupin's outburst. Lupin had a look of mingled fury and scandal on his face.

"Professor, maybe you should go to the hospital wing, sir," Hermione said. Harry and Ron nodded fervently. Lupin vaguely looked in her general direction, speaking to a spot three or four feet to her left. "My grandmother never went to jail!" he said, as if in the middle of a heated arguement. Hermione looked to either side of herself at Harry and Ron. They nodded again and moved forward like a two-man army, picking Lupin up under the armpits and carrying him out of the room. The class clapped and cheered like a game-show audience.

A short while later, Harry and Ron came back. Harry gave a report: "Well, he kicked us a little and he screamed all the bloody way there...,"he grunted. Ron nodded weakly and said, "Yeah, he kicked us in all the wrong places..." He crawled to a desk.

After class, Hermione took Harry aside again and said, "Okay, so far Lupin's gone from aromatherapy to that! Something is definitely wrong here, Harry!" She looked at him expectantly.

"All right," he said. "Meet me in the library tonight, okay, we can talk there. Right now, I'd rather not be late for class," he said a little apologetically. Hermione smiled and went on to class. As Harry walked away, he distinctly heard Lupin yell, several floors above, "BUT I MADE A _GOOD_ DRUGGIE-SEVENTIES GUY!"

Ok, tell me your thoughts if you please...The next chapter will hopefully be up shortly, and I'm thinking this story will end probably two chapters from now. So, giving my humble blessings to your psychadelic parakeets, uraniumbombz.


	8. Uncle Remus

The Lunacy of Lupin

A/N: Ok, Discombobulated, I've got at least one more chapter planned out after this one. So here you go...have fun and be gentle with it, it's skittish around strangers...

Chapter 8: Uncle Remus

Hermione sat waiting in the library. It was 9:30 and she was beginning to wonder what time Harry had meant when he said "tonight." Just as she was gathering her books and bag to leave, she saw the library door open and heard an invisible somebody say softly, "Hermione?"

"Over here," she replied. Harry pulled off the Invisibilty Cloak and sat down at the table where Hermione was putting her books back beside her chair.

"Losing faith, were you?" he asked, mock hurt. Hermione smiled. Getting down to business, she opened one of the books to a page she had marked. Smoothing down the corner that she had folded, she said," This spell sounds really similar to whatever's happening to Professor Lupin."

Harry peered over at the demonstration drawn on the page. What looked like a construction worker with a nametag that said "JoeBob" across it was standing in the first box. The caption read, "Perfectly Normal JoeBob." In the second box of the diagram, JoeBob was wearing a skimpy bikini swimsuit with the little hair that he had put up in a swimming cap. This caption read, "JoeBob is transforming..." The third box depicted JoeBob in a tutu with the same caption.

"See what I mean, Harry? Harry? Harry!" Hermione said, slapping Harry across the nose. Harry was lost in the various transformations of JoeBob. He looked up at her.

"How do you get rid of it, though?"

"That's the catch," Hermione said grimly. "There's no spell to reverse it. The book says you just have to let it run its course. It says usually ten trials. We've only been through five." She sighed.

Harry grinned. "So you mean we just get to sit back and enjoy the show? There's nothing really bad going on?"

"Nope."

Harry smiled wider and laughed. "This is great! C'mon, Hermione. I want to be rested for tomorrow's theme." He out the Invisibility Cloak over himself and held it up for Hermione, who was still sitting. Sighing again, she stood up.

"Hurry up, Ron, Snape's about to call time!" Hermione urgently began slicing up dried roots and plopping them into the potion. Harry sat on her other side, lazily stirring and, like Ron, watching her haste with a smirk on his face. Snape was standing over her, breathing down her neck and closely monitoring her work.

"Time!" he snapped in her ear. Hermione jumped and looked scandalize as he strode to the front of the room.

"What's up?" Ron asked her.

"He just messed our potion up. He said that right when I was putting those roots in, he knows he made me dump too many!"

Harry smiled. "It's okay, Hermione..."

At the front of the room, Snape announced, "Give me a flask filled with your potions. If you didn't finish, you're out of luck. We will be testing these tomorrow." He looked ferocious. Harry sat up straight, alarmed. Snape shook his head and the vicious tiger look dropped off of it. It was a still quite disconcerted Harry that followed Hermione and Ron to Lupin's room five minutes later.

Ron laughed at the DISCOMBOBULATED (A/N: haha!) look on his face, but abruptly stopped laughing at the sight of a hideous mange-infected hound sitting by Lupin's door. It growled and stood guarding the entrance.

"Aw, heck, let 'em in, hound!" Lupin came sauntering to the door. He had a massive straw hat on his head and a weed sticking out of his mouth. He was wearing three-inches-too-short overalls with nothing underneath them. Hermione noticed with a disgusted wrinkle of her nose that one of the overall straps was hanging loose, unhooked. He wore no shoes. When Lupin stepped a few feet closer to them they _all_ noticed the he smelled strongly of body odor and swamp. Gagging and coughing, Harry thrust past Lupin into the room to get away from the smell. Immediately he stopped, then felt Hermione and Ron bumping into him as two successive thuds.

"Like what I've done with the place?" Lupin said around the weed in his mouth.

"It's...er...original...,"Harry said, dumbfounded. Ron and Hermione, mouths wide open, nodded slowly.

They were standing in three inches of water. Pieces of bulrush and algae came floating by, gathering around their feet. Cypresses not only lined the walls of the room, but were also stuck in random places. Neville desk had a tree growing through the surface. The ceiling looked like the Hanging Gardens of Babylon and over in the far corner, among many squealing girls, was an alligator in a cage, jaws snapping.

"You'd think he'd feel downright cozy in his own envirymint but he still seems purty dadgum ornery to me!" Lupin declared.

Harry shook his head in disbelief. They learned a score of new vocabulary words that day, beginning with 'envirymint' and ending with 'datburn doohickey with the horns.' Lupin waded around his classroom, banjo in arms, giving them their leeson in song (unless of course he couldn't think of a rhyme; in that case, he simply skipped the line and moved on to another topic.)

After class was over Harry picked up his sopping things and as he was leaving the room, Lupin struck up another song, this one about the hound dog at his door.

So there you go...Review if you feel like it. This one really hit home for me, being from Texas and all...peace out psychadelic style--uraniumbombz


	9. Disco Will Neva Die!

A/N: I know, it's been forever. But it happens when you have a vicious biology teacher. I updated my profile for anyone who cares. Um, thanks to discombobulated drummer and slim shady for reviewing last time. (I really will try to keep this updated now...) But anyways. Here's Chapter Nine.

**Chapter Nine: "Disco Will Neva Die!"**

"So wait...You two went to the Malfoy Manor in the middle of the night, almost got caught, and lost two hours of sleep...for nothing? The spell isn't even harmful?" Ron said as a disgruntled Hermione looked on. She had just finished relating her discovery in the library.

"That's hilari--," Ron started to say, laughing. He stopped abruptly at the look Hermione was giving him.

"What's with the vicious tiger faces lately?" Harry said, staring into space and recalling Snape from the day before. Hermione sneered.

As they left breakfast and went down toward the dungeons that would hold them captive for an hour, a piece of strange melody floated down from the upper floors. It was a few moments before they recognized it:

_"At first I was afraid, I was petrified._

_Kept thinkin I could never live without you by my side..."_

Hermione, upset though she was, had to bite her lip to keep herself from laughing.

"_You thought I'd lay down and die, but no not I!_

_I will survive!"_

"What the bloody hell is that about?" Ron asked, an amused but perplexed look on his face.

"Dunno...maybe Filch is having a party with Mrs. Norris or something," Harry mused. Hermione sighed.

"Don't you realize what's happened?...Well, I suppose you'll know in an hour anyway,"she said. "Nevermind that, come on." And she led them to the dungeons.

Snape was standing at his desk. "Today, class, as you should remember, we will be testing the potions you made yesterday. Any volunteers?" he said sarcastically.

Ron had laid his head down, prepared to snore through another boring lesson. "Pick me, pick me...!" he said sleepily, with an expression that clearly said he was thoroughly enjoying his dream.

Snape smirked. "Ah, Weasley...perfect." A savage look crossed his face but Harry blinked, startled, and it was gone. Snape swiftly walked to Ron's desk and slammed down the flask to wake him up. Ron's head snapped up from his desk.

"What? Where did the twins go! They were just about to...uh-oh."

With quick disconcerted glances his dreamy expression turned to that of one who has just taken a gulp of sour milk. He reached out and took the flask in his hand, lip trembling. Ron tilted the flask bottom up and drank its entire contents and when he was finished, he set it down triumphantly, confident that nothing had happened. He had two seconds of glory before he rushed out of the classroom holding his stomach.

Close to an hour later, after Ron had rejoined them with only the side effect of having turned a nice light shade of lavender, the trio were headed up to Professor Lupin's classroom. Bits of melody reached their ears, growing louder and louder each time.

_"You know it's all right, it's ok_

_I'll live to see another day"_

And a few moments later:

_"It's fun to stay at the YMCA,_

_It's fun to stay at the YMCA..."_

And right at Lupin's door:

_"Hollywood hills and suburban thrills,_

_hey you, who are you--"_

A mumble came from within, "No, brotha, wrong one." Ron pushed open the door, a smile on his purple face.

They were greeted by a blast of "Heatwave" and Lupin strutting around the room, which was quite a site of its own. The only light source was a large disco ball that was hanging from the ceiling, casting spots of color around. The desks had been replaced with multi-colored bean bags and Lupin threw a boa around the necks of all who dared enter. Lupin was a spectacle himself, having dressed up in a three-piece suit composed of platinum jacket and pants and a lemon yellow shirt. He had a pair of outrageously oversized thick-rimmed sunglasses over his eyes and brightly colored round beads on the four or five necklaces he was wearing. His hair had been frizzed and teased religiously into a curly afro and he had Union Jack-printed platfrom shoes on his feet.

"Professor Lupin, is that really you?" Hermione said, gawking.

"Baby, you know I'm real!" Lupin replied. Ron was staring around the room with a huge grin on his face.

"Groovy, ain't it, brotha?" Lupin said happily. Harry was laughing while mindlessly dancing to the last few beats of "Heatwave."

"Yeah, I like the psychadelic beads. But yellow's not really your color," he said, smiling. Hermione sighed and made him sit down.

Lupin tranformed their class into dancing lessons and they spent the day spinning to "I Will Survive." When class was over, Harry left with a smile on his face and a song in his head. At the bottom of the staircase, Harry stopped. He listened, and from upstairs he heard:

"_Hey there Delilah,_

_what's it like in New--"_

And a distant mumble"

"Nope, wrong one. Here it is."

And the sound of "September" filled the castle.

A/N: Well I think I probably messed that up but it was fun. Review if you feel like it, ok? Cheers, uraniumbombz.

**_Lyric Information_**: (in order)

"I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor

"Stayin Alive" by the BeeGees

"YMCA" by the Village People

"Slow Down" by The Academy Is...

"Heatwave" by Martha and the Vandellas

"Hey There Delilah" by The Plain White Ts

"September" by Earth Wind and Fire


	10. Word Up, Yo

A/N: Ok I'm gonna forewarn you, this is really short. But I still like it so maybe you will?

**Chapter 10: Word Up, Yo**

A disgruntled stare was fixed on Ron's face. After three hours of wheedling and arguing with a very grumpy Madam Pomfrey, he had finally accepted his fate and was now glaring back at a rather sour turn of events. His reflection disclosed the awful truth: Ron's formerly lavender face had turned an unflattering avocado green. As if this wasn't enough, Harry certainly wasn't helping matters with his fits of laughter. Between alternating bouts of (a)rolling on the bed and (b)pointing and chuckling, he barely had enough time to force out a breathless, "It'll be ok, Ron. Just get some sleep. I mean it has to go away sometime...," immediately followed by more laughter.

"I.Hate.Professor.Snape," Ron said in return, before switching off the lights and turning to vengeful dreams for amusement.

The following morning was not a cheerful one. Ron squashed all Hermione's hopes of laughing in one glance and a disturbing silence ensued. It was not until the end of Potions that Ron began to liven up. He led Hermione and Harry up the stairs excitedly, stopping just before he reached Lupin's door in anticipation of what awaited him on the other side. Before Ron could put his hand on the knob, the door opened from the other side. Shyly, Neville stepped out holding a clipboard and wearing a black shirt with BOUNCER emblazoned across it in thick white letters.

"Um...names, please?" he asked with a humiliated look on his face.

"Neville, you know us. C'mon, what's goi--" Ron began.

"Names, please," Neville said more firmly.

"Ron, Harry, and Hermione," Harry said.

"All right, you're in," Neville replied, handing each of them wristbands as they entered. Lupin greeted them inside with an extremely complicated handshake and a, "Yo, dawg, wut up! Like my phat new crib?"

"What? Who are you!" Hermione shrieked.

"They call me homie on the street, fa real pimp," Lupin replied.

"...What does that mean?" Hermione whispered aside to Harry.

"It means he's a hustla, yo!" Harry left Hermione standing there with a confused look on her face and went to join the rest of the class, who were all shakin it like a polaroid pitcha between rows of desks.

The room was all dark and Seamus Finnigan had been recruited to spin the Tupac and Kfed. Parvati and Lavender were wearing bling provided Lupin himslef, who appeared to have a hubcap hanging around his neck.

"What do you think of the new Lupin?" Harry asked Hermione as they casually danced around the desks.

"Well, I asked Lavender and she told me that she thought he was a ...um...'balla.'"

"Holla!" replied the population of the room. Harry whispered into Hermione's ear and with a baffled tone she said, "Hollaback?" to which the room replied, "Word up, bro!"

They spent the rest of the class period grinding to the beat of the boombox. As Harry descended the stairs, he heard Lupin give a last farewell to one of his students:

"I'm a balla!"

"Holla!"

"Hollaback!"

"Word up, bro!"

A/N: I definitely made a mess of that...but whatever. Um, review if you liked gangsta Lupin, ok? cheers, uraniumbombz. "swear to shake it up if you swear to listen. oh we're still so young, desperate for attention..." I heart panic.


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